Let’s think about you right now. Stretch your own mind and try to keep it from being guided by someone else. Let’s talk about not looking down but looking straight back into your brain and how much shit is stuck up in there. Let’s talk about how vast your memory is even when it doesn’t feel that way. Let’s talk about your familiarities and sensory connections and misguided interpretations. Let’s talk about being just right. Let’s talk about how hard it is to close your eyes when it seems like someone’s watching. Let’s talk about how easy it is to just receive input all day long and forget what ouputs are. Let’s think about how many little words you know and use and want to use. Let’s talk about things you actually feel and don’t just pretend to. Let’s acknowledge that this blog was never for anyone but yourself and that makes you want other people to want to read it even more. Let’s talk about what you’re afraid to miss if you focus on this a little bit harder. Let’s slowly unweave the roots you’ve dug into everyone else’s existence and remember that you are potted, not planted and that you have been and that everything will be a memory.
Let’s talk about how good it feels to type fast and how the sound of keys tapping reminds you of a nonspecific memory of rain on the roof and against the window and God you love thunder and lightning. Let’s talk about how you looked into the eyes of a horse today and saw your mom. Let’s talk about the dirty van you drive to practice and how it smells like chemicals and horse and old food and comfort. Let’s talk about how you need to work on listening and how nobody really understands your problems. Let’s try to understand things about you so that maybe you can live a little lovelier with the people around you without compromising your fundamental identity.
And as a voice drifts up from below the fire escape, let’s try to answer it: “Which one are you waiting for?”
Maybe I’m just waiting for a Romeo to saunter over to my balcony and tell me about the moon.
What a shitty way to live.