I Promise I’m Chill

Dedicated to: Casual conversations and covering up the crazy.


Dear Lover,

I think I’m getting used to life here. The weather’s been so beautiful lately, I can’t help but enjoy it. Every morning, I take a walk in the garden and I listen to the birds and know that they’ve been awake for hours. We all know winter’s coming, though, and I envy their beautiful wings that will carry them away from the cold. I hear it gets cold here. I’m not sure if I’m ready for that. Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay. Little letters like this keep things in perspective, especially when I know they’re going to you.

Dear Lover,

I wonder what you’re up to tonight. I imagine you on your recliner talking about the Lions game and not realizing how much your friends love being around you. I’m sure you’re laughing. Even as I write this, I hear your smile echoing off the walls.

My roommate doesn’t have someone like you to think about. She just gets stuck in her mind, running circles around old regrets, twisting words, and waking up in the middle of the night. Thank God I’m not that bad.

Dear Lover,

They said you could visit me if you wanted to! But I’m not sure if I want you to yet. I’m not totally adjusted, you know. I’m not like other people here and I don’t want to freak you out. I’m chill, honestly. I’m chill and I really don’t want more than you want unless you and I talk about what you want and it’s different than what I thought you wanted in which case I’m happy to reconsider what I want. But like I’m just a regular girl who’d love to see you soon. Maybe I can take you for a walk in the garden. It feels like a real place there.

Dear Lover,

Thinking about you a lot today. I don’t have a lot of things to think about, you know. My life is white walls and white jackets and I’d love your face to bring a little punctuation to my never ending days. I also think about my yo-yo. Natalie sent me one and it’s fantastic. I think about it all the time. Mainly because I never actually got to keep it because the string was too long. If you send me a present, make sure there are no strings attached, would you? Those aren’t allowed around here. My roommate’s mom sent her a pound cake and she got to keep that. She didn’t even share. You should send me a pound cake so I can keep it and not share it too.

Dear Lover,

I hope I’m not coming on too strong. I know we’re still getting to know each other, but you should know that if I sound like I’m coming on too strong it’s just that they don’t give us anything other than Magic Markers for our letters, and those always make things look more dramatic than they are. In reality I’m chill. I told you that already I think but I just wanted to make sure to reiterate it so you didn’t forget it. I’M CHILL I’M CHILL.

Dear Lover,

When we met I didn’t think it would be like this. But sometimes when you’re in a life of white walls, you think about the little things a lot more than you’d expect and the little things become the headlines to your newspapers and you can’t wait to turn to page C5 and finish the story. Please don’t think I’m crazy. I’m just an average girl in an insane asylum for reasons that still escape my narrow mind.

Dear Lover,

I’m not going to stop writing to you. Writing is the reality that keeps me from getting too torn up about my day-to-days. Like, this morning I woke up to a bird hitting my window. But when I write it down it becomes insignificant.  I woke up to a bird hitting my window. I woke up to a bird hitting my window. I woke up to a bird hitting my window. I woke up to a bird hitting my window. I woke up to a bird hitting my window. I woke up to a bird hitting my window. Insignificant now, right? Just one bird not flying south for the winter. Stuck here with me and no wings and not enough breath to talk to the one person she wants to talk to more than anyone.

Dear Lover,

I promise I’m not crazy. I promise I’m chill. I promise I don’t want anything more than you expected.

Please. Just hold my hand, look into my green eyes, and tell me I’m human.


See also: Chill 2, More from the Asylum

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2 thoughts on “I Promise I’m Chill

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